Domestic Abuse...It's Everywhere...

Do You Know a Victim? An Abuser? Don't Think So? Think Again.

The facts...and then a story...


Domestic violence affects every single one of us every day whether we realize it or not. If we are not a victim ourselves, there is a strong possibility that we may know a victim or victims without even realizing it.

Did you ever work with a woman whose husband continually calls her at work or visits her all the time? Did you ever notice the change in her voice or attitude when she receives these calls? Do you notice her getting flustered? Whispering on the phone? Perhaps she holds it inside and doesn't mention anything to anyone. Or, maybe she leaves work quickly, sometimes not even saying goodbye to her co-workers? Or maybe she arrives late looking disheveled or appears with red swollen eyes that obviously were crying all night. Chances are this woman is being abused.

The Facts...

· Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.

· It is estimated that 503,485 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year in the United States.

· Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year. -

· Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children.

· In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women.

· In 1996, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends.

· 31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996

· A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. -

· Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

· Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries.

· Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses


Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year.One in five female high school students reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.

Domestic violence can affect children in many ways. Young people may witness terrible acts of violence against their parents or caregivers. Some children may never see the violence, but they may feel the tension, hear the fighting, and see the injuries left behind. Young people may be physically injured themselves if they try to intervene to stop the violence. Children may be asked to call the police or to keep a family secret. No matter the details of a family's situation, children and young people bear the burden of domestic violence, too.

Children react in many different ways to violence in their homes. Individual children may respond differently even within the same family. Some children may become violent themselves, while others may withdraw. Some may "act out" at home or at school, while others constantly try to act like the perfect child.


Domestic Violence can be traced back many years. William Shakespeare, an English playwright and poet wrote many plays in the 17th Century. Shakespeare wrote plays based on the drama of human nature sometimes with pain and tragic failure. One play he wrote titled "Othello" depicts domestic violence with a tragic ending. Although Othello was prompted to the violence by a character in the play called Iago, nonetheless, he still killed his wife because of jealousy. Iago convinced Othello that his wife, Desdemona, had cheated on him with another man. Othello was incensed by the thought of Desdemona being with another man. It enraged him so much that he had epileptic fits. His every thought, word and action was overpowered by his jealousy. Shakespeare once described jealousy as "the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on." Indeed, domestic violence feeds on incidents that occur in one's life, surroundings or previous experiences. Desdemona was never unfaithful to Othello. She had a deep love for him. She obeyed his every command and enjoyed doing so. The more Othello's jealousy consumed him, the more he began to abuse her until finally, he killed her, at which point he found out too late, that she never was unfaithful to him. Filled with guilt and sorrow for wrongly killing her, Othello took his own life.

Our society today, is filled with Othello's and Desdemona's. Tragically, many women are killed by their husbands or lovers. Those that escape death are traumatized by the violence for many years.

I'd like to tell you a story now about a woman I knew many years ago. She grew up in a non-violent home where her parents displayed nothing but love and respect for each other. In her family, violence never reared its ugly head.

She was 17 years old, fresh out of high school and just beginning her life. The Federal Government hired her at the young age of 17 as a clerk in the Procurement Department of the Federal Government. She had her act together. She met and "fell in love" with a recently discharged United States Marine. Life was good, so she thought. Then she became pregnant. He vowed to take care of her and raise their baby. Then one day, he landed a new job in Northeast Philadelphia, a part of the city she had never been to. She had to pick him up from work one day and she got lost. She was fifteen minutes late. When she found him, instead of greeting her, he beat her in the car and ripped her new rabbit fur jacket. She was horrified. But, he apologized profusely and swore never to raise a hand to her ever again. He told her about his "first wife" of 3 months and how unfaithful she was to him. He blamed his insecurities on her infidelity. She forgave him and let it roll off her shoulders.

But the violence soon increased, over and over again. Not a day went by when there wasn't a fight, argument or beating. After every incident, again he would apologize and blame his former wife. He seemed so sincere. As the beatings increased, his excuses did too. He now combined blame with his mother who he said was unfaithful to his father. Not ever experiencing violence or adultery in her home when she grew up, she had no alternative but to believe his actions stemmed from his environment as he indicated.

She worked for the federal government on a secure military installation. Access was gained only through Federal ID cards. Being a former marine, he would use his military ID to gain entrance. He would visit her on her job on a daily basis, popping in frequently. When he would come, he would constantly scan the room watching her co-workers. At the end of the day, he would accuse her of having affairs with the men in her office, her supervisors. Most of them were in their 60's and 70's. He did not care how old they were, he still would falsely accuse her of marital infidelity. He forbid her from going out to lunch with the girls in the office and eventually made her resign her position and lose her federal retirement. She was relieved somewhat because at this point, she was on the verge of getting fired from his constant unauthorized visits and she felt a burden would be lifted with her resignation because now he would not be able to accuse her unjustly anymore.

She gave birth to their first child and the violence ceased for a short time. She was happy staying home at the age of 18 and raising their daughter. However, the bills started to pile up and he insisted she return to the workforce. She landed a job in Center City in a prestigious law firm. But, the violence started up again. He would constantly visit her on her job and cause friction by his presence and glares at the various attorneys. He began to accuse her again of infidelity with her employers. She was made to resign when he threatened to physically assault an attorney when he "caught" him speaking to her.

She then insisted that he obtain a secondary job so she could stay home. She was safe there, so she thought. He agreed. By the age of 21, she was the mother of 4 children. The violence continued at home even though she wasn't working. He would now accuse her of adultery with the neighbors. After several job failures, the finances started to mount. She had to return to work to keep her family fed, clothed and sheltered. She took a job as a waitress. She figured she was safe in that position. She figured wrong. The violence escalated at an alarming rate. She was discharged from various local restaurants because of his constant presence. Employers would tell her that he could not come and "hang out" in their restaurant. He would then sit down and order food so he could stay for longer periods of time and witness first hand, the way she spoke with "customers". He maintained a cool, calm, collected manner when he was a "paying" customer. Her co-workers thought he was such a "nice man". He was always polite and jovial. However, when she was off duty, the monster came out of hiding. He would beat her on the ride home insisting that she was "flirting" with male customers. Or, she had to tell him every conversation she had with a male customer or he would beat it out of her. She ended up telling him fictitious stories to end the beatings.

For years she took this abuse and she hid it from everyone. She never disclosed the torment she was going through on a daily basis. She was "trained" not to look men in the eyes when she had to speak with them. She was "trained" to hide her emotions and torment and continue on with life raising her children and working to keep a roof over their heads. It was drilled into her head that she was fat, ugly, and stupid. He brainwashed her into believing that no man would ever want her and her four children.

By the time her children reached their teens, the abuse had escalated. Her children were deeply affected. At night they would cry themselves to sleep fearing their mother might not be there in the morning. They began to secretly videotape the horror they lived with. They wanted evidence to show what happened if one day they awoke and their mother was dead.

On May 28, 1998, this woman received a wake up call. Her children ended her torture abruptly. As usual, the fighting and arguing started. She never raised her voice and just took the abuse for if she dared to raise her voice and argue back, the violence would escalate. At this time, her children were now 15, 16, 17 & 18. Her 17 year-old son began the campaign to help her escape to freedom. Hearing his father yell, scream and break things for several hours, he came up from the basement and decided to confront his father. He had done this many times before but his mother always intervened and stopped him from getting involved. This night however, she did not intervene. She watched him attack his father with rage. She watched the rest of her children join him until they finally physically kicked him out of the house. They inflicted pain and injury to him as he inflicted it to their mother for 19 years. After he was gone, they sat their mother down and they told her that life was not supposed to be violent like this. They gave her an ultimatum. Keep him out or they would leave. She chose to satisfy her children's wishes. An hour later, at 4:00 AM in the morning, their father crawled back into the house. He looked at each of them with such wicked eyes. He told them all they would pay dearly.

At this point, they thought they all might be in grave danger. Their father went to the telephone and dialed 911. He then hung up the phone and said "You did it now, now you're all done". The phone rang back with the operator from the police dispatch. Their mother answered and stated to the 911 operator, as she had many times before, "oh everything is okay here, I just misdialed the phone". This time, the police arrived anyway despite the excuse. When they knocked on the door, their father took one look around and said, "Now, you'll pay". He then smashed out the dining room window, stuck his head out and screamed, "Help me officer, my wife is beating me!" At this point, her 17 year-old son grabbed his father by the neck and punched him so hard, he knocked every tooth out of his mouth. He knocked him to the ground as blood and teeth went flying. The police came flying in the door and saw what happened. The woman then found out that the police had known for years what was happening to her. They reprimanded her and told her she better do something this time or they won't answer the call next time.

It then became clear. No matter how much she thought she hid this horror she was going through, people knew. Her family knew, her neighbors knew, her coworkers knew and the police knew. Her husband was removed from the home and he never was allowed back. Her kids made it clear, that he was not accepted or allowed into the home.

It was very hard for her to be on her own at first. She enjoyed the freedom, but was very scared of the future. For several years she just worked and took care of her kids. She never thought she would ever get into a relationship again. She never thought she could trust another man. Three years later, she finally started to emerge and develop a friendly relationship with a police officer from another town. A man she had known for many years. Although he was of a different race, her children trusted him with their mother. He encouraged her to get a better more stable job. He encouraged her to go back to school and get an education. He drilled it into her that she was not "fat, ugly and stupid". He accepted her the way she was, trusted her totally and never raised his voice or his hands. Her children began to see a big difference in their mother. She was happy once again, smiling and free of worry.

The woman began to see a difference too. She had no fear. She finally felt like she was accomplishing something in life. She changed her job, was promoted to a Supervisory position after only four months at her new employment, enrolled in school and started to really take care of herself, and love herself for once.

Today, that woman is the former Mayor of Darby. That woman is me.